A Day in the Lives of the Urbans

     Thank you all for your meaningful comments, prayers, and encouraging words. Thank you particularly to those who call themselves "lurkers" who introduced themselves. :) What a special feeling to know prayers were going up from Indiana, Kansas, and even England and Australia for our family (and don't forget the grandparents in Mexico). Wow.

     Well as you may have guessed we found out this week that we lost our baby (Ava is fine!). I was 12 weeks along, and having some spotting we were concerned enough to go in and get checked out. My midwife was not able to hear the heartbeat, and my doctor's office was overbooked, so we ended up going to the ER for an ultrasound on Monday. We did not receive good news. While he said he didn't see any signs of life, I just felt like I needed to hang on the the tiny bit of hope that I had, that perhaps they rushed through the ultrasound too quickly, that my dates were off, or maybe even that the doctor was just plain wrong. I wasn't quite ready to believe that we had lost the baby, not just yet, and that is why I asked for your prayers without coming right out and saying why.

   After having a second ultrasound today and confirming an "imminent miscarriage" (this time with my doctor present to answer questions) we feel a peace that only God can give. I will be honest.... I have a hundred questions. WHY? Why, when we didn't "plan" it in the first place? Why do we have to get so attached to and excited about this little person that we do not know yet but still love with all of our hearts, only to lose them? There are many, many things in life that I do not understand, losing babies being one of them. Our kids asked some of the same questions, and then some others that I would never have said aloud. But kids....you know, they say what they think. I am making my list to ask the Lord someday. I'm sure He will give me some brilliant answer but I can't think of what that would be right now.  For now, we all agree, God is good, and we will praise Him even when times are hard and through things we can't quite grasp.

   Meanwhile we are grieving. I have learned from this experience that a baby is a baby whether newly conceived or well into its 3rd trimester. The fact that a million and one women have been through it or the fact that I already have 5 other children to enjoy doesn't make THIS child any less special, and it doesn't necessarily make the grieving any easier. 

     When we told the kids Monday after school, there were some tears shed. Simeon asked if we could name the baby. We all thought it was a good idea. We couldn't give the baby a name without a gender, and so we took a vote. It was unanimously a boy. Jude suggested John, and we all loved it. "Baby John", meaning God is gracious. The kids all kissed my tummy and we had our good-bye's. I wish I would have thought to email all their teachers though, because when they went to school the next day to tell their sad news to their classmates....Apparently some thought it was a sick April Fools' joke. :(

     A friend shared this prayer with me: 

Dear God, I've dreampt of holding my child on my knee and telling them about you... but I cannot. Instead, will you hold my child on your knee and tell them about me?

Another shared this:
And God Said

I said, "God, I hurt." And God said, "I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot." And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
I said, "God, I am so depressed." And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
I said, "God, life is so hard." And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my son died." And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, it is such a loss." And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your son lives." And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?" And God said, "Mine is on My right and Yours is in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts." And God said, "I know."

~Authors K. C. and Myke Kuzmic~

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."- Psalm 126:5