A Day in the Lives of the Urbans

Today I had my follow up appointment for my miscarriage. It was harder than I thought it would be. Sitting in the waiting room next to ladies with round bellies, walking past the wall of photos of babies that were delivered by Dr. Myers....pictures of smiling mommies and daddies, precious newborn babies wrapped in pink or blue blankets. I saw the ultrasound machine that we had looked forward to seeing our baby kicking or sucking its thumb. Instead it had less than 3 weeks ago confirmed that indeed, our baby's heart had stopped beating.

I had told John not to worry, to please not take another day off work. I'll be fine, I said, I could make it on my own today. I wish now I wouldn't have been so confident in myself.

I burst into tears when the doctor asked me what we named the baby. I wouldn't have expected a doctor to ask but I was glad he did. "That's a nice name," he said. He asked how we grieved our loss. I told him where we buried the baby, and that the kids want to go "visit" him every day. I'm glad to have a doctor that asks these kinds of questions.

Then we talked about options, do we want to "try" again? I just don't know how one makes these decisions. On the one hand we thought we were done having kids 3 months ago. On the other hand, how could we end like this? I suppose now is not the time to decide.

When I was checking out, I handed my yellow paper to the receptionist. Apparently she didn't notice the handwritten words, "Follow up miscarriage", because she asked, "How many weeks are you?"....Uh, I didn't know what to say, and I just looked at her. She then glanced down at the page and got a mortified look on her face and apologized. I wonder which one of us was more uncomfortable. Again, I burst into tears, and cried all the way down the hall, down the elevator (where a lady handed me a bag of Kleenex) and through the parking lot into my car.

My kids have asked me why do I cry? He is in heaven, he is not in pain, Mom. We will see him again. I know, I know. All these things are true and they bring me comfort. But will it ever stop feeling like somebody is missing? I know that no other child, by birth or adoption will replace THAT child, and I suppose that is why it is hard to make "the decision". I know the pain will lessen, the grieving will subside. Meanwhile I hope people can understand I just need to be sad every now and then, and grieve the baby, Baby #6 that I never got to cuddle. I know so many of you can understand. And I thank you for holding my hand through it.